cacilia's blog 

 

 

 

 

 

今天去献了血,满满的一袋子.

粘稠而温热.

我兴奋的跟爸爸说我是B型血.他却回.

你的身体不适合献血.多喝牛奶.

我把手机攥在手心,静静地看着这些字.

虽然感觉有些飘,我还是若无其事地说..不用担心,没有丝毫感觉.

想起几天前他在电话里对我大声的责备让我没有丝毫防备.

我为自己找的借口都被一一拆穿.

我体会的到他有多么的牵挂.

有时候,我极其讨厌自己过于倔强独立的个性.

我自己都无法想象一直以来.

他们在用多么巨大的宽容和耐心去包容一颗如此狂野叛逆的少女的心.

从而使我不至于误入歧途.

如果可以再次选择.

我宁愿从一开始就温顺单纯而软弱.

或许那样.

能让他们感到更加幸福一些.

 

翠微路的樱花也开了，而且也同样开的轰轰烈烈．

所以没时间去玉渊潭公园看樱花，至少也得到了这样的补偿．

忙了这么久．

明天总算可以睡个懒觉．

 

这些日子,除去疲惫,内心最多的是歉疚,因为忙碌而淡远了一些人,在她们内心最需要安抚与慰籍的时候.

我想说对不起,原谅我的不能及.只是,我从没有远离.

连同这段日子遇到的每一个给于我关怀和帮助的人,我都觉得无以回报.

你们用单纯的眼神保全了我沉静柔软的内心.

这对于我来说,意味着太多...

 

  

 

剪短了头发

恩.我很喜欢

 

男:现在几点?

女:十点.

男:整吗?

女:太早了吧,别人都没睡呢!

男:我是问是十点整吗?

女:十一点吧.

 

我最心爱的心事总是无法记录下来，因为他们是秘密，我要用来温暖我寂静无人的独自的夜.

所以一切可观的都只是生活的表象,不是不存在真相,只是大多数时候,我不需要真相.

我所要做的,就是尽可能地把一切都想象的美好而生动,不管他是的确如此还是恰恰相反.

事实上,好多事情,从来就没有他原本的样子,他一直都是我认为的那个样子.

我的意志就是如此强大.

 

 

 

我做了一个冗长的梦.

梦里欣喜若狂肝肠寸断.

现在醒了......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    我喜欢,要么就和特好的朋友聊,要么就和陌生人在那脸红心跳,当然了,如果我还有心思在那跳的话.我讨厌客套话,讨厌技巧,讨厌假惺惺,讨厌回报这种词汇.我想如果你觉得我聪明,也只是我的小把戏在其作用.我从来都不拥有什么大智慧.否则,我也不会让某些人那样伤害和侮辱.粗俗的想法遇到我只依靠知觉与勇气,简单粗暴的人生哲学,绝对可以演绎出一个让我欲绝的结局来.可是,我早点是不知道这些的,我笨.FUCK MY SIMPLICITY.那么好吧,我就躲开,韶光易逝,我宁愿用逃避来代替抗挣.不是我不勇敢,只是我觉得,直面某些东西会侮辱我内心的小女孩.我要捂上她的眼睛...丑陋的欲望,付出能否得到回报,更多的钱,更多的乳房和大腿,更多的高潮,看起来象个聪明人,掩盖好过错,进退自如,不寂寞不失意,怎样才能装的像个逼...这些东西,我都不曾看到.不曾了解.不曾领会.是的,我对感情的态度特殊,可我也只是特殊而已,起码我还有感情.比起那些虚伪的信誓旦旦来,我向来都以为我要高贵的多.没有人有资格批判我,因为我身上流淌着你所无法理解的一切.我从来不会对谁有敌意,我的要求很简单,只是希望总是被别人充满柔情与善意的想起.仅此而已.我讨厌成长,一直以来.可是,我不设防,结果很糟.所以,这次,我要逼着自己长大一点儿了.

2007-08-14 23:36:08

      当你坐在摩托车后座，看着满眼的绿色，路边的野花，和貌似没有边际的群山，不断的飞逝而过又不断地再次占据了你的整个视线.你就会为你一直以来所有的隐忍找到理由.欢愉是暂时的,爱情是暂时的,甚至连生命都是暂时的.所以,我们没有理由不相信,迷茫和困顿也只是暂时的.那些点滴美好,总是值得我们心甘情愿地为他受苦.

          

2007-07-22 21:37:47

北鼻の足

   海棠花与少女の足

    与其说是我家的小小菜园,不如说是我家的小小草园.- -!

   

2007-07-15 23:19:25

 

      这次老娘我变聪明了,挎着个包就从河北跑到了河南.就像平时去上自习.一路上肖二姐一直摩拳擦掌,准备剁人手指头呢.如我所愿,并没有什么艳遇.幸好!不然很可能就是一场血案.

      我一到家,天就开始下雨.虽然,天下雨跟我回家没什么关系.但是我妈看起来似乎有点忧郁.不是因为她没时间打牌了,也不是因为她不能喝酒了.只是姿旋一直生病.她说"当初只是想你以后能有个伴,但是没想到会这么难."然后还哭.闹的我午休都不能午了.我都不知道该怎么办了.我就装做很懂的样子安慰她.

      这几天来我也是大献殷勤.可是,要知道,我对孩子的喜爱从来都是叶公好龙式的.到了一个北鼻面前,我就变的完不知所措起来.我妈说要把头发绑起来以免扎着她,好吧我就扎起来,然后就是她的头碰在我的锁骨上也会哭.疯了我都.但是我妈似乎挺欣慰,她说别人家的大孩子都说要把第二个小孩掐死来着.我说是吗?看来我还算是善良的.不过,这几天来,我做的与姿旋有关的最多的事情就莫过于偷吃她的奶粉了.呵呵,好象回到了小时候,我老爱吃老爱吃那个干奶粉了啊.

      今天,我妈说,听说小孩四五个月都该给她买那种字母卡片什么的了吧.我说你都该多看些小孩智力开发方面的书,你知道启蒙教育之类的东西吗?我妈说:不知道啊,那你就看吧,多找点这方面的看看,然后跟我说说.- -

我怎么说我这么傻呢,原来是从小时候智力开发内步就没跟上来.- -!

2007-07-13 22:30:35

 

      刚刚气的我湿疹都给逼出来了,差点没英年早逝.

       算了,是我自作自受,谁也赖不着.发泄一下,也就好了.

      不出什么意外的话,明天的这个时候应该是已经在火车上了,总觉得怎么都象是被推着走一样,这个半年都是这种感觉.时间过的呢摸快,一场人来人往,就已经是四个月的时间了.这样的状况也只能用我小学时每次作文必用的经典句子来描述了:啊!真是时光如箭,岁月如梭啊!说起来,这半年来的收获也挺多,多到快和失去的一样了.我曾经一度不知道都发生了些什么,幸好有我临危不乱的气魄才使得小生活又继续了下来.保定还不是什么大城市呢,我看周遭一切怎么都那么躁啊,到时候要去哪找那种宁静的乐土呢?这真另人困扰.哦,似乎又想的远了.现在的问题是,明天就可以回家去了.我现在都开始有点小激动了.我好象总是在该激动的时候不激动,不该激动的时候瞎激动.连我自己都有点鄙视我这种不着调的个性了.

      对了,最最重要的事情是,这学期欠我钱的,欠我饭的,欠我东西的,欠我感情的,我可都记着呢.下学期来了都得接着还,我地主婆的潜力可是无穷滴.

      然后是,剧组的戏貌似还有一点,但是我也帮不上什么忙了(虽然自始至终好象我也没帮上什么忙的样子- -!)但是,我始终与你们同在哈~下面有些是我偷来的照片,做个纪念,其中有很多值得回忆的东西.

2007-07-10 23:10:31

 

STAR OF THE MOVIE, "SUE", DIRECTED BY AMOS KOLLEK
By Hariette Surovell, from COVER Magazine Vol. 12 No. 6
"Sue", directed by Amos Kollek and starring Anna Thomson, Tracee Ross and Dechen Thurman is a powerful and disturbing portrait of a New York City single woman's descent into friendlessness, joblessness, homelessness and, eventually, emotional illness. Sue, whose mother has Alzheimer's, whose beloved and protective boss has died, and whose tolerant landlord is losing his patience, is vulnerable, tormented, confused...and yet she retains a certain dignity as she attempts to make contact with others and invariably fails. A fading beauty, she still has the power to attract men, and at one point she admits that she can "only communicate with people through sex". So she fills the void in her life with sexual encounters with strangers, all the while ignoring the reality of her financial demise and her impending eviction. Anna Thomson, a frail-looking blonde beauty who projects a complex vulnerability, immerses herself in the role so completely that one tends to confuse the actress with the part. Thomson, has, however, had a long film career, including parts in "Heaven's Gate", "The Crow", "I Shot Andy Warhol", "True Romance", "Something Wild", and, perhaps, most memorably, as the prostitute whose face-slashing sets off a vendetta in "Unforgiven". I interviewed her in N.Y.C.'s Cafe Orlin and she seemed much like Sue: fragile, yet gracious; philiosophical and touched by melancholy.

 

HS: Given your long history in film, why do you think "Sue" is your first starring role?

AT: I don't know. People ask me that all the time. In France, the reviews have said,"Why have you kept this woman a secret?" I don't know. I putter along. I stopped working for a few years after my husband died. We had been married for seven years. He got colon cancer . (Thomson has 61/2 year old twin sons from the marriage.) I just stopped working for a while and it was right after "Unforgiven" and I guess that was the time to strike because the iron was hot, but I wanted to be with my family. Then I met Amos Kollek almost by accident, and he wanted me to star in this role.

HS: I'm so sorry. Have you had a lot of tragedy in your life?

AT: I always had a perfect life until a certain point, when a lot of people died around me all at once. I was tougher before--bad tough and more resilient. Today, on the phone, this guy was just telling me what a bitch I used to be.

HS: How about a brief bio?

AT: I was raised in N.Y.C. and in France, where I went to school. My parents were in the fashion business, and my father really liked the elegance of French living. I didn't do well at school so I became a ballet dancer in Paris. I was a good soloist, but I wasn't good in the Corps. I came back to N.Y.C. and danced with a small company here, and then I worked at the Public Theatre. Someone gave me a part in a play there almost by accident when I was quite young and I met Christopher Walken. He was really great to me. He protected me and told me all these looney maxims that were really right about how to exist in the world--like, "Say yes and then just do whatever you want". I've worked a lot with him since then and it seemed right that I should become an actress. I never went back to complete high school.

HS: You have played a lot of prostitutes (Thomson will also play a prostitute in Kollek's upcoming film "Fiona", which features a number of actual "working girls"). Do you know why that is?

AT: I've thought a lot about that. I don't know exactly why. For one thing, I do a lot of nudity, and a lot of actresses don't do nudity. For another, I do a lot of extreme characters, and prostitutes are extreme characters.

HS: Why so many extreme characters?

AT: Because my life has been extreme. It's been either totally perfect or everything's terrible. To play someone normal would be outside my ken because nothing normal ever happened to me.

HS: I think you have a vulnerable quality. Could that be a reason?

AT: Vulnerable with big tits.

HS: Amos Kollek is the son of Tedy Kollek, the Mayor of Jerusalem. What's he like?

AT: He's very quiet, but very intelligent, with a strange sense of humor, and he's very, very kind. He has a college degree in Psychology.

HS: Let's talk about "Sue", which is one of the more interesting movies I've seen in some time. I have never seen a movie about a woman character who can only communicate through sex.

AT: I think it's hard to make a connection in real life. I think that what Amos has done that is quite brilliant is not to make films where things come out easy and even...someone is nice and someone else is nice and so they make a connction. In real life, someone reaches out and someone else reaches out, but they miss. Sue wants help, but she doesn't really know the girl who offers to lend her money, and she's embarrassed, and then when she decides she wants the money, the girl is gone. I think that really happens in life...it's not as easy to make lasting connections as the movies depict.

HS: Well, most people have at least one friend. I don't think that the majority of people lead totally isolated lives.

AT: I don't think it's everybody, but I don't think it's as unusual as one thinks. I think there are people who look nice and they're going around getting their groceries so it's hard to judge how forlorn they are. Often, the people you think are functioning are not really functioning.

HS: True. But have you ever encountered women who can only communicate through sex?

AT: If you're having trouble finding a job, or if you're not in school, and you're semi-attractive, you can always walk into a bar and get some guy to come home with you. Ironically, it's one of the last socially-acceptable ways to make contact. But if I came up to you in a cafe and asked if I could have coffee with you and wanted to be your friend, you'd find it strange. A bar pick-up is risky, but it's not seen as aberrant.

HS: Don't you think that when Sue gets eaten out in the middle of a movie theatre that that's pretty extreme?

AT: I think that she's quite far along towards the end, and that everything that happens in the last few weeks is pretty extreme.

HS: How would you describe Sue?

AT: Amos has said that he has known women in N.Y.C. before--on the outside, they were smart, funny, charming, but actually, their lives were a lot worse than he had noticed. They were failing or falling through the cracks.

HS: Does Sue's predicament somehow mirror your own life, in that you have had so many tragedies?

AT: I don't think I could have played this character before my husband died. But Amos has such a light touch. He was able, with very minimal takes to achieve a great balance. He kept Sue probable and identifiable. He kept the film from falling into various potential abysses. He has a good touch for many things going on at the same moment.

HS: What didn't seem credible to me was how,with her resume and experience, Sue couldn't get a job.

AT: But people can smell desperation. If they see that something is off, anything that happens in the job interview is a clue to them. Sue didn't get jobs because of how she looked or what she said, but because she gave off that smell.

HS: You say that Sue's decline began way before we're introduced to her in the movie.

AT: You'd have to make a 40 year movie to explain someone's life. I don't know that Sue declines emotionally. Certainly, she does physically. She's trying not to turn into some horrible woman who blames everyone else for her life. And one problem is that she never had an effective support system. If, when her boss died, she had been able to talk to her mother, that might have helped save her. But she couldn't, because her mother had Alzheimer's. I think Sue feels that if she's gonna go down--and it looks like she is--she's going to retain all her dignity and control. She can't control her bank account, her life or her relationships, but she can at least control her behavior and be nice to people.

HS: Why doesn't she try to get her rent paid?

AT: I think at the very beginning she doesn't really believe that the landlord will throw her out. She keeps thinking he'll float her another month as he has before, and suddenly, she's out on the street.

HS: I would have made a more concerted effort to pay the rent, but Sue just gets drunker and drunker.

AT: I think she tries. I think she keeps thinking that when she gets a job, she'll pay back the rent.

HS: When she sleeps with Austin Pendleton and he thinks she's a prostitute and offers her money, she's incredibly appalled and shocked...and this from someone who has public sex in a movie theatre. Why didn't she just take the money and start charging for sex and get her rent paid?

AT: I think everyone has different standards. At certain points, she's very conservative, and, at others, she's not conservative at all. For some reason, that's just not what she wanted to do. She didn't want the stigma or whatever.

HS: What is this movie about to you?

AT: I think that, like anything, it's about a lot of things...compassion, kindness, dignity, bad timing...going down but being admirable.

HS: Who did Willie, the Black man she met periodically in the park, symbolize?

AT: He was a symbol of the people you can meet in N.Y.C. who are genuinely kind, and that two people who are both going down can be kind. New York isn't just a tough city. Sometimes, for absolutely no reason, people are kind. Does it change anything? No. Are you glad the moment existed? Yes.

2007-07-09 21:35:52

 

      我不知道为什么会在这个不当不正的时候感冒，有点尴尬，大热的天儿，我应该没有什么着凉的机会吧.可还是感冒了,本来喷嚏打着我以为象往常一样是哪个宝贝想我了吧.但是很快的就感觉自己象只小喷火龙了,呼吸都是烫的.我吞下问苗儿要来的一堆药，然后盖着被子捂的满身是汗.但是似乎没有什么帮助.感冒本身没有什么可怕,无非就意味着热乎乎的身体和逼不得已的用嘴呼吸.可我讨厌感冒引起的头疼,头疼总是影响记忆力,判断力和心情.闹得我看什么都不顺眼,对一些事情灰心失意,虽然我知道他们和往常没什么两样.我想看部电影换下心情,谁知道导演这次却给了一个美丽的女人一个凄凉的结局.所以就更让我杞人忧天起来.我不喜欢杞人忧天,但是看着这样的结局却突然觉得这似乎是顺理成章的,我不要凄凉的结局,我既要激越又要温和,我还要最终的大团圆.于是我渴望从中得到某种启示,可是结果却发现与之对立的方式却是更加另人毛骨悚然的.我想我注定是个要和自己拧吧一生的人了.

      今天把Edison放生了,我想我早就对他失去耐心了.一个人都早已经失去他的意义了,他送的东西想来也就不具有什么意义了吧.我本来想试着超越自我一次来着,可我虽然有必要的小小爱心,却缺乏那种所谓的高尚情操.所以,就如同你所看到的,我从来没有成功地超越过自我一次,我是自我的手下败将,以前是,现在是,想必以后也会是.哦,怎样才能变成一个伟大的人呢?你知道吗?

.................................................................................................................................

      跟表姐的谈话让我顿时心情好很多,她的责备也足以抵抗由感冒,破碎情感,悲伤电影和摇滚歌曲带来的低迷情绪."好吧,我的问题问完了.""是的,你得到了几个'恩'".我想也只有我们之间才存在这种另人放松的对话了.忽然感觉,其实这样没什么不好,我的破碎的,不成功的,没有意义的生活为她的安慰提供了理由,我暂且可以这样安慰自己.而她,就如同是我人生航线的一股强劲的力量,与另一股力量相互作用,以使我的人生航船不至于倾覆.我知道这个比喻既落伍又庸俗,可它用在这里确实很贴切.

      四天，再有四天就可以回家了.我要战胜病魔,我要闪闪地回到我的山山水水中去.我要见我的爸我的妈,我的姿旋.我要和他们相亲相爱.我要把在别初犯过的错误都在他们身上弥补过来，我要把我积压的感情都在他们身上释放出来.我要把我学到简单粗暴的人生哲学,趁姿旋还没有自我选择能力的时候就灌输给她,我要她自由而快乐,象只没头没脑的兔子一样.可以塑造一个思想,单是想想这个,就够我兴奋的了.

      所以,我又要对刚刚说过的话反悔了,"其实这样没什么不好"完全可以换成"其实这样就是一种完满的状态了".

2007-07-07 22:10:46

欣然接受生活的一切馈赠...

——献给她
　　

     男人女人们的心往往激动不已，
     也往往在痛苦中得到安慰，
     这是实例而不是言辞的作用，
     因为我很了解一个痛苦的目击者会做出某种语言上的安慰，
     所以我现在有意于写一写从我不幸中产生的痛苦，
     以便让那些虽然当时不在场，
     却始终在本质上是个安慰者的人看一看。
     我这样做为的是让你通过比较你我的痛苦而发现，
     你的痛苦算不得一回事，
     至多不过小事一桩，
     从而使你更容易承受你痛苦的压力。

　　                                                                            ——彼得·阿伯拉尔

2007-07-07 02:53:54

 

"你说你对权利没欲望，你对金钱没欲望，那你对什么有欲望啊？"
我说“自由”.
说完自己都想吐.虽然这是真的.
有些自由,就象XXX所说的那种"内心的自由",那是比较悬乎的一种.也是我毕生的追求.暂不讨论.
可是有些自由,却完全是需要金钱和权利来达成的.
所以说,有些时候,我还真钦佩自己的厚脸皮.

2007-07-01 21:18:28

 

大姐回河南两天了，总之是!非常非常不习惯.

我们依赖性太强了.

她走了,就没有人会点蚊香了,所以导致,这两天来,蚊子们欢畅的不行.手忙脚乱,种瓜得瓜,种痘得痘.

板儿的花露水喷在挠过的皮肤上那感觉就象是被泼硫酸> <  泼硫酸,你懂吗?

而且带着那个味道出去真的是~~~厄~俗香噬骨啊!!!

搞的我总是充满无限凄凉地想起内句什么~你快回来~我一人承受不来!- -

和大多数同学一样,这几天来我一直都在勤勤恳恳做作业.夜以继日,废寝忘食.

先是出于美观做一套,然后得知要全部彩印,就全盘否定,再出于省钱再做一套.

老娘我真不容易~

但是,一想到一个长长的假期在前面等着,我就变的热血沸腾起来.

我急不可耐地想要回归大自然,不是熊猫的那个回归大自然拉

我的天赋可能是在于看着某人的眼睛听他讲一件有趣的事情,而不在于在电脑上捣赤着给一个企业倒入CI什么哒

哦,其他都还好.继续修炼

对了,希望大姐回学校来了就不要总想往右边倒了.当然了,也不要往左边倒.

冯妈妈说的很对,我们再也受不了任何打击了.- -!

2007-06-28 23:06:21

 

六月中旬以后的日子大多是由一个个精神矍铄的夜晚和昏昏沉沉的白天组成.晚睡晚起,生活规律.

在这期间,我被叮叮当当的复古节奏灌的晕晕忽忽,蚊子被香喷喷的无烟蚊香灌的晕晕忽忽,爱迪生则被二手烟给灌的晕晕忽忽.大家各自心怀鬼胎,自得其乐.

28'C的天气贯穿始终,这样就使的无论发生什么也不会让人歇斯底里,即使是什么都不发生也可以饶有兴趣地在那里玩自我搏斗.

前几天的个性签名是--她说:"我有权利毁灭我自己." 我要解释的是,这句话并不具有意义,只是我拿来跟自己赌气用的.我从来都不是个悲观主义者.我的境遇还不足以把我蹂躏成一个悲观主义者.虽然我的植物性癫痫偶而发作,我的明亮的大眼睛快要毁于一旦了,虽然我不会用口罩,过不了英语四级.虽然我没有白色匡威,没有一条更短的裙子,虽然我没有原则,没有计划.但是,不可否认,我傻,所以一切问题也就不是问题了.

我不仅不悲观,而且我还很高兴,能时不常地做些舍己为人的事儿,就比如说我为了向希望工程献爱心就一包接一包地买中南海.而且我还很骄傲,为了那些站在较为保守的道德立场上的人对我这段时间的所作所为充满柔情的指责和最终达成的谅解.(这可是你们对我的放任哦~~~~~~~~)

如果非要找点不尽如人意的事情来的话,那也只能是:我的胸要是能再大那么一点儿的话就好了.

哈~我要赶紧看我的《南回归线》去了.我可爱的亨利.米勒,MOA...^^

2007-06-22 22:57:58

 

临阵磨枪.做英语阅读.一问题是"下面哪个是能够回收再利用的?"

老娘我就活生生的选了个potato peelings.

操,一看答案,我才知道这个的意思是土豆皮儿.- -

这破选项摆明了是欺负我这种单词认识没几个的人的.

崩溃...这都什么世道...

2007-06-11 22:40:15

 

 

我是笨蛋，我不能把自己弄睡着

 

2007-06-06 04:30:15